After an early season victory in the Redbourn Randonnée, swiftly followed up with a storming performance in The Green and Yellow Fields 300 kms Audax (mostly into a headwind), The Wattmeister became the subject of close scrutiny courtesy of WADA and the UCI doping committee.
The Muswell Hill Peloton also had their doubts. He was spat at, (thanks Pistol…keep your snot rockets to yourself), sworn at, (…come and do your turn on the front you lazy f**$ker!) and even had urine thrown at him, (…a notorious problem riding with elderly men).
Finally, after months of anticipation The Wattmeister’s physiological data can be released into the public domain.
Height: 186 cms
Weight: 80 kgs
BMI index: 23
Maximum Heart Rate: 185 BPM
Functional Threshold Power: 262 watts
Outstanding Paper Bill: £ 762.33p
Favourite Coffee: W.Martyn’s Continental Blend (ground to number 7).
This information categorically proves that The Wattmeister rides on his merits, (apart from the caffeine problem) but should not be trusted to pay the newsagent on time.
Incidentally, although happily married to The Wattmeisterin, for experimental purposes he put this information into the dating website Tinder….with this result: