Imagine the tranquil scene…Pistol, Madame Shotgun, and the two Pistolettes are seated in the conservatory of Think Like An Aussie Mansion together with The Wattmeister, The Wattmeisterin and The Wattmutt.
Innocent question from Pistol to The Wattmeister,
“How many klicks this year TW?”
“Strava says 10,300 Pistol, with nearly 100,000 metres of vertical ascent and 426 hours on the bike, which represents about 5% of the entire year in the saddle” replies TW a bit too smugly.
“Only 5%!” chips in Pistol, as helpfully as possibly, “that means you spent 95% of 2015 off the bike….in the company of your family”.
The Wattmeisterin is all ears.
“Only 5%! How many hours did he spend cleaning and fettling his bikes?”, asks The Wattmeisterin in her trademark ‘gentle’ tone which is the precursor for an onslaught of contradictory statistics.
“…And what about all the hours spent on the internet retailers’ sites like Chain Reaction, Wiggle, Merlin Cycles….simultaneously hogging the loo and using all the soft toilet paper whilst reading back issues of ‘Cycling’, ‘Cycling Plus’, ‘Cycling Weekly’ and ‘Rouleur’…..and, he leaves the bloody door open?” she continued with gathering pace.
“Let’s also take into account post-ride coffees, some of which last longer than the actual rides, and the time consuming process of uploading then analysing the ride data on Strava.” At this point, The Wattmeisterin was putting out more watts than LionKing in the Regents Park Sprint.
“Then of course, he has to watch each pedal stroke of the Spring Classics and the Grand Tours on Eurosport…”
“Finally!…”, she barked triumphantly, ….“finally, when will he ever stop droning on and on about Paris-Brest-Paris?”