The Wattmeister spent the whole of Monday bathed in a warm glow of contentment having been inspired by 37 year old Mathew Hayman’s glorious victory in Sunday’s epic edition of Paris-Roubaix.
With an age gap of only 20 years (no, TW is not 17), belief is once again coursing wildly through his capillary system.
After one of The Wattmeisterin’s special Hoegaarden & Genever cocktails, The Wattmeister was stoked for the second semi-final of University Challenge, and duly fizzed out a spate of correct answers before Jeremy Paxman had even finished asking the questions. What a night!
After a cursory browse on Strava to check that nobody had stolen his KOM on the Ridge Sprint Sign segment, The Wattmeister retired to bed in good spirits, maybe even filled to the brim with good spirits.
after riding Paris-Roubaix on the front of the peloton into a headwind in the company of David Bowie, who is riding for Spanish team Movistar, Bowie donates his Merida Scultura superbike to The Wattmeister on the condition that TW plays for him his unique piano version of “Life on Mars”.
With eight or nine bikes already in the stable, and showing worrying signs of becoming a traditionalist, the unemployed and unemployable Wattmeister decides to sell the electronic geared/hydraulic disc brake equipped machine to techno geek RapidBen and live off the proceeds
In turn, RapidBen accepts the bike but gives The Wattmeister three magic beans in payment.
Incensed with anger, The Wattmeisterin throws the beans into the garden. The following day the couple awake to discover an enormous beanstalk shooting up to the heavens. This is truly remarkable as The Wattmeister had concreted over the garden to avoid mowing the lawn so that he could ride his bike every Sunday.
He climbs the beanstalk (at functional threshold power 262 watts) and finds a dingy two bedroom flat. The front door is open, the carpet worn and threadbare. Entering quietly, he witnesses a puffy, overweight Slayer , (formerly Muswell Hill Peloton’s champion sprinter), bent over a pile of bronze coins evidently found down the back of his sofa.
The Wattmeister flees, chops down the beanstalk and, in a “Eureka” moment, decides that it will be the next superfood. Dicing it expertly into stir fry portions and experimenting with soy sauce, he chooses the teriyaki option before going on to win the Amstel Gold Classic on the following weekend.
Putting his success at the age of 57 down to the new superfood, he becomes a household name, (in Wattmeister Towers), and is about to make the winning move in the final Spring Classic Liege-Bastogne-Liege when the clock strikes 5 a.m and he needs to go for a pee.