Muswell Hill Peloton Q&A

Doc is one of MHP’s founding fathers. His palmarés is extensive having participated in some of the world’s most gruelling cycle sportives and lived to tell the tale in his own inimitable style.

Cycling is not his only forte, he was voted Muswell Hill Peloton’s funniest man in 2013, 2014 and 2015.

All this has been achieved around a busy professional life which is dedicated to improving the health and wellbeing of the nation.

1. What is your greatest achievement on a bike?

Riding without stabilisers. (June 1st 2017).

2What is your favourite everyday word?

Pneumonoultramyscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis. 

3. As a pulmonary consultant, have you ever administered Triamcinolone to combat asthma?

No comment.

A job with Team Sky beckons.

4.Black pudding or bubble and squeak?

Bubble and squeak.  

5. What would be your choice of alternative career?

Own a jazz club.

6. Where and when were you fastest?

Riding away from a pack of wild dogs in the desert in a peasoup fog.

7. Have you ever used Google to make a diagnosis?

I prefer Wikipedia.

8. What is your favourite saying….clue…(in the face of others’ adversity) ?

Always help a friend in need.

Not the immortal, “…it’s every man for himself…”?  

Overheard on the road to the Stelvio … June 2nd 2013.

9. Whose turn is it to pay for coffee, Doc’s or The Wattmeister’s?

Trick question…..it is always Doc’s turn.

10. Has Strava had an influence on your cycling?

Yes, it is great, but I have heard that it can become an obsession with men of a certain age Wattmeister.  

Touché, legend!

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Swank of the Crank

“Look at my shiny teeth”, announced The Big Ring to no one in particular, “all 53 of them…I’m so strong”.

The Little Ring let out a barely audible creak. He was bolted to The Big Ring, on the inside, always in the shadow of his bigger colleague…a captive audience…and had heard it all before.

“There’s my reflection in The Shard”, screamed The Big Ring, “I’m so fast you can barely see me!”

The Wattmeister pedalled on, the rumbling of his stomach drowning out the swank of the crank. His thoughts focussed on a Full English Breakfast.

“Yeah little brother, we’re in Regents Park. I’ll show them! I’m so very strong. I can catch anybody!”, ranted The Big Ring.  “Give me The Power Wattmeister!”

Round and round went The Big Ring and The Little Ring, linked together in a spinning dervish.

“I’m the Greatest, the Strongest, the Fastest, why are you even here?” asked The Big Ring of his little brother, “you’ve only got 39 teeth, and they ain’t even shiny, they National Health style amalgam teeth. Lucky no one can see them!”

The Little Ring sighed. It was the same story every week. The Big Ring lacked emotional intelligence. Like Donald Trump, he blustered, boasted, threatened and ridiculed his partner. Big Ring would have sacked Little Ring if he could just undo those chainring bolts.

But he always forgot one thing.

As the road climbs sharply up Swain’s Lane, The Wattmeister engages with Little Ring….

“You’ve gone very quiet big brother. Where’s all your shiny teeth now? They’re all covered in lube and shit. Eat this slope Big Ring….why don’t you?”

What goes around, comes around.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

Muswell Hill Peloton Q&A.

Our first interview is with the rider formerly known as Sloe (sic) Bethan. Fiercely proud of her Welsh heritage, she has cycled to a high level in international events (one time over 1300 metres),  and wears her Muswell Hill Peloton kit with great honour.

1. Where is your favourite ride?

Anywhere outside of London as long as the hills are not too steep.

2. What do you carry in your saddlebag?

Air canisters, lifeline CNC C02 inflator, inner tube, haribo, a multitool and A REAR MECH HANGER ……(haribo….must look that up).

3. Ride a tandem….front or back?

Front.

4. Which professional or amateur rider, past or present, do you most admire?

That is easy, The Wattmeister of course!

5. If you could ride one pro race, which would you choose?

Amstel Gold Race Tour 240km (I’ve heard there is a free bottle of Amstel beer at every food station, plus it is in the Netherlands and there are no hills….. right?) Haha…is this a joke? Why haven’t I done it?

6. Take the wind or sit in the wheels?

Sit in the wheels.

7. Full English Breakfast or a bowl of muesli?

Muesli (unless I get taken out for breakfast, than a full english with a bucks fizz or two).

Get under 3 minutes on Muswell Hill and it’s yours!

8. Toast or fried bread?

Toast.

9. Is Doctor Who clean?

Dr Who is squeaky clean, although if he was to start cycling he would probably succumb to hard core prescription drugs:  beconase and lemsip day tablets.

Expect a visit from Ukad, Bethan.

10. Has Strava changed your life?

YES! “If its not on Strava it didn’t happen”.

Many thanks to Bethan for answering these probing questions and well done for replying correctly to trick question number 4.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Three Score Update

A slew of riders from Muswell Hill Peloton are careering towards their 60th birthday celebrations. Old Grey Socks, Dick the Miller, Faustino S, Iron Mike, The Wattmeister and Big Mig will all be visiting “treble top” within the next eighteen months.

Outwardly, there are no signs of deterioration. Old Grey Socks still resembles a young Tony Curtis, (and sprints like an old Austin Marina)…….Dick the Miller continues to raise the age group bar in Ironman events, and has the tattoos to prove it…….Faustino S was politely asked NOT to enter the Giro D’Italia this year lest he embarrass the professionals with his climbing abilities…… Iron Mike’s lungs and legs are the bellows and anvil of the peloton ….The Wattmeister continues to talk a good ride…..and Big Mig’s comeback from a broken collar bone has kept the trolls busy on Twitter.

A number of other colleagues are chasing hard in the over 55s age group.

Pistol Pete, always able and willing to bite the golden bullet of pain….The Wizard, whose power output over two hours can illuminate a small town in Pembrokeshire…..Killer Kay, voted the best legs in Muswell Hill, (special award from Barker’s Pet Shop).

In order to celebrate the SIX O milestone, MHP will be organising a week long trip in June 2018 with the intention of climbing the magnificent Grand Colombier 4 times in one day, and, hopefully energised by this experience, continuing on to Bedoin in order to join the club of  the Madmen and women of Ventoux by ascending the Giant of Provence three times in one 24 hour period.

colombier

This seems a fitting challenge for the mature and resolute rouleurs of the MHP.

In addition, they will all receive their telegram

from

The Wattmeister

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Early Morning in the Gym

Spring is in the air. Fragrant strains of lilac, clematis and belle etoile tease the olfactory senses.

The mornings are light once again.

Resisting the temptation to ride to the exclusion of all other activities, The Wattmeister complements his frequent two wheeled outings with visits to the local gym in the company of Bullethead, Kap, Caveman and Grendel.

Bullethead warms up on the Wattbike. He rides it like a garbage truck crushing its load. It is difficult not to feel deeply sorry for the Wattbike.

Meanwhile, lean Kap sashays over to the BodyMax cable pull machine, handcuffing and ankle-cuffing himself to the structure as part of  a provocative and bizarre full body workout accompanied by A capella sound effects.

Caveman begins his workout with 100 burpees and star jumps. This is just a warm-up. Then, like Hercules, he proceeds to heft unimaginable weights until exhaustion sets in…..exhaustion from the observer’s  perspective.

Grendel arrives a bit later. It is less of an arrival and more of a claiming of territory. She growls at The Wattmeister, who obediently diverts his gaze and makes way for her on the Smith machine which spontaneously shudders as she marches towards it.

Skinny Wattmeister gazes at himself in the mirror, (a proper workout). In comparison to his muscular colleagues, he lifts weights like a weak baby kitten.

As he enters the weights room, leaving behind the shell of a Wattbike, Bullethead displaces air like a blue whale displaces water in a paddling pool.

Caveman and Kap acknowledge him with primal grunts between repetitions while Grendel flexes her sternocleidomastoids in the revisionist flirtatious manner of a peacock.

They all ignore The Wattmeister. If there was sand, they would kick it in his face.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Tim’s Template

A bit of context.

Back in 2002 when The Wattmeister was a fledgling long distance cyclist….a raw novice, barely out of the plimsolls and scarf school of sartorial elegance, he entered his second 400 kms audax. Some lessons had been learned from his first experience over the distance in 2001, but, as the cliché goes, we never stop learning.

It was about 6 o’clock in the morning and about 250 kms into the ride. The Wattmeister was half-heartedly grovelling his lonely way up a steep little hill somewhere near Liphook in East Hampshire. There was still 30 kms to ride until the next audax control in Ewhurst and  his rumbling stomach boomed out a scratchy accompaniment to the dawn chorus.

His spirits needed a lift. Along came salvation in the form of experienced audaxers Tim and Pauline Wainwright. He jumped in their slipstream and unashamedly took a tow for the best part of 90 minutes. Tim and Pauline’s navigation was faultless, the pace was just perfect, and the company was reassuring in every way.

Tim was an audax stalwart. His article in the audax quarterly magazine Arrivé on how to construct a riding plan for the 2003 edition of 1200kms Paris-Brest-Paris randonnée gave an insight into the character of the man. It was full of good advice imbued with common sense and punctuated with positive encouragement for the inexperienced. The Wattmeister made good use of this most sound of templates.

Alas, Tim died on March 1st. By all accounts he was riding his bicycle. Both he and Pauline inspired me to do much more than I ever thought I could. RIP and thank you Tim.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment

The Personal Stylist

It happened all of a sudden. The Wattmeister had taken great care to balance the weight of the daily supplies between two Sainsbury’s ‘bags for life’. 

The negotiations regarding the purchase of these bags were as complicated and protracted as the Brexit process. The crux of the deal revolved around the central questions of :

…. bags for whose life?

The life of the bag? The life of the bag buyer? The life of Sainsbury’s?

Never has more thought gone into spending 2 shillings. two bob or a florin, (10 pence to you youngsters).

Anyway, we have gone off course. TW was strolling down Dukes Avenue in Muswell Hill, executing alternate bicep curls with aforementioned shopping bags whilst replaying in his mind Saturday morning’s magnificent ‘A’ group sprint victory.

Distracted and still euphoric, he spied  what appeared to be an elderly cyclist struggling up the hill towards him. As the pale figure came ever closer, he realised that it was none other than Pistol Pete on his way home from work.

Now, in real life Pistol has a similar physique to Bernard Hinault, The Badger, 5 times winner of the Tour de France. That is to say broad shouldered, deep chested…..reminiscent of an old fashioned rugby union fly half.

However, as he approached, his silver Castelli windproof rain jacket had the peculiar effect of ageing him, making him seem slight of build. Some might think that this is ‘a good thing’, however, knowing Pistol’s robust physical and mental condition,  the Wattmeister felt cheated that he hadn’t immediately recognised the great man known also as….Beast of Becherel .

And so, after first telling Pistol about Saturday’s victory in great detail ,the idea was born to reinvent himself as a Personal Stylist for the discerning cyclist.

Never again be mistaken for an old dude, or dude-ess. The Wattmeister will help you to choose colours and fabrics to suit your build, physique, complexion and riding style.

Ride your bike with complete confidence that you look the part and the bike looks the part. Never again be ashamed to catch your reflection in those lovely mirrored buildings up the West End.

Here is an example of what to avoid.

20160524_075303

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

The Comeback….part 2

Nowadays it is quite a task to make a booking with the GP. Decades ago, in the tupperware party era, before amphetamines and alcohol had been replaced in the peloton by triamcinolone and EPO, the process seemed much easier.

On this occasion, prior to the consultation, The Wattmeister was required to undergo a chest x-ray and a blood test to check for ‘abnormalities’. Hah! Due to the early hour of the appointment, he had had to forgo his normal breakfast of Kenalog’s* shredded wheat.

A few nervous edgy days passed before the test results arrived in the GP’s possession. All the while, TW trained at a very low level, under the radar, nay, practically underground. When revealed, the results were good, even good enough to load onto Strava. Kidney function, prostate PSA, red blood cell, white blood cell and cholesterol figures all proved to be ‘outstanding ‘, (TW’s description, not the doctor’s).

“Just to be sure, take this spray”, suggested the doctor, writing a prescription on brown paper packaging, “it has a steroid component which will alleviate your symptoms, help you to lose weight, gain lean muscle and will almost certainly assist you in the Regents Park sprint.”

“But is it race legal doc? I have only ever taken pan y agua….I don’t want to  cheat! (Get caught).”

“That’s what they all say! It most certainly is. I will write you a therapeutic use exemption** certificate which allows you to race on drugs which are normally banned in competition”, he explained.

In less than 48 hours, TW had stopped coughing, lost 2 kgs of fat and was posting times on the Wattbike that Iron Mike could only dream of. What kind of magic was this?

Two weeks later, and after 10 weeks in the wilderness, the comeback was completed with a hard fought sprint victory over The Lion King, Long Tom, Judge, Cup-a-Soup, Iron Mike and The Man from Iceland.

Back at the coffee shop, the whispers were shriller than ever, but the language was different….lean, vascular, stoked, impassioned. How could such improvement be wrought in such a short space of time?

In his victory speech to the assembled crowd outside the Muswell Hill branch of Planet Organic, (Speakers’ Corner of the North), The Wattmeister proclaimed:

“Get real folks, there’s no such thing as a fairytale.”

  • *     Kenalog….trade name for an anti-inflammatory corticosteroid.
  • **   Acronym TUE.

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Comeback… part 1

Shrill whispers in the peloton, “….The Wattmeister is finished…a has-been…a never-was…can’t sprint for toffee…too fat to climb…as aerodynamic as a fridge freezer…”, and worst of all, “..what is Paris-Brest-Paris anyway?”

During January and Febraury, post Saturday Regents Park club gatherings in the coffee shop have lately adopted a different tone.

Imagine the saloon in a western..sallon.The Wattmeister makes his lonely entrance after trailing the group back to Muswell Hill. The regulars, Iron Mike, Big Mig, Dingle Dave, Pistol, Cup a Soup, Del Boy and even Sloe Bethan look up at the forlorn figure….dropped from the peloton on the first lap, bibshorts on inside out, and wearing a faded PBP shirt from 2003.

Conversation is momentarily halted, a collective and sad shake of the head….someone mutters…”he was never much good, let’s tell him to join the bowls club”.

Shunned by his former domestiques, The Wattmeister vows to cure himself of the persistent cough by gargling every morning with neat TCP, eating chopped lemon rind and wearing a balaclava at all times….something that upset the staff in the Nationwide.

After weeks of this alternative treatment, the cough had got worse, he lost his sense of taste and smell, and was banned from all banking establishments in the village. Skint and smelly,  The Wattmeisterin suggested that he visit the doctor.

“The doctor, or a doctor?” asked TW.

“What are you talking about you delusional old fool?” remarked her highness in a kindly but assertive tone.

“I am…..I mean, I was an athlete darling, there’s no way I’m allowed to see ‘the’ doctor…it would look bad. In my biography I stated that I had a strict “no ‘the’ doctors policy”. ”

“Get yourself up to the GP before I have you sectioned …..again!”

To be continued….

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Omloop het Nieuwsblad 2017…Betting Tip

Do not be put off by the title. The Omloop, formerly known as Het Volk, signals the start of the Belgian cobbled classics season….and this race has been won by stellar performers such as Herman van Springel, Roger de Vlaeminck, Eddy Merckx, Freddy Maertens, Peter van Petegem and Greg van Avermaet.

The weather forecast for Saturday’s renewal is unusually benign, with mild and dry conditions on the cards.

The defending champion and Olympic gold medallist, Greg van Avermaet and world road race champ Peter Sagan head the betting, and will no doubt prove difficult to beat. However…both Team Sky and Quickstep Doors field super strong line-ups with several possible candidates among their startlists.

But in analysing and overthinking the form of the obvious choices, The Wattmeister would miss out on the pure enjoyment enunciating the names of some of the lesser known rouleurs.

Jens Keukeleire (Orica), Guillaume Van Keirsbulck (Wanty), Pieter Vanspeybrouck, Coen Vanmeltvoort (Roompot) and Stijn Vandenbergh (AGR) all have names and racing form worthy of being inscribed on the trophy.

But none of these riders are this year’s tip for glory.

For the first time, The Wattmeister can, free of charge, share the intricacies of the methodology he has invented to cement his abject failure as a punter.

Using the formula C x E / A = S, where C is conjecture, E is estimation, A is approximation and S is Supposition….this year’s event will be won by the exquisitely named Jens Debuscherre, currently priced a 33/1 with Bet 365.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

New Horizons

After an hiatus of nearly three years, The Wattmeister is on the point of embarking on a new career path with his  brand…The Impersonal Trainer.

Over the years, as a permanent and inconspicuously aerodynamic fixture on the gym’s wattbike,  he has been in a position to observe and listen to the interaction between various private clients and their knowledgeable and well qualified Personal Trainers. Without exception, the PTs’ collective expertise is routinely wasted as the clients invent ever more ingenious ways ways to avoid working hard during the session by initiating conversations on the most banal subjects.

This is such an abuse of the experts’ skillset. In order to achieve a widely recognised and internationally accredited level as a Personal Trainer, the applicant incurs a hefty financial cost and must pass several written and practical examinations.

In contrast, the highest level of Impersonal Trainer sanctioned by The Wattmeister Inc. is readily achieved at low cost and with surprisingly little effort.

If you are interested, then ask yourself these four questions:

  1. Can I count from 1 to 15 in the right order? (The number of repetitions for each set of exercises).
  2. Do I look good in lycra? (Natch!)
  3. Can I attach a heart rate monitor? (Just wearing one of these gets you really fit).
  4. Do I know what an ‘Arnold’ is?

If the answer to all these questions is YES, MAYBE or DON’T KNOW, then you are 3/4 of the way to being a certified WATTMEISTER IMPERSONAL TRAINER.

We have now reached the point where 99.9%  of candidates will fail this rigorous test.

Answer this question honestly.

  1. Do I care?

If the answer is YES, then sorry,  you will have failed to become an Impersonal Trainer, but you might do well as the President of the United States.

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Within the Rules

Muswell Hill Peloton’s recent Saturday morning outings around Regents Park have taken place without The Wattmeister’s attendance. In the interim, Iron Mike, Dingle Dave, Long Tom and The Lion King have been carving up the sprint honours.

Alas, he has been suffering from acute inflammation of the ego, which in extreme cases can lead to delusional episodes, obsession with oneself, and severe constipation….(please note the Oxford comma).

Fortunately, The Wattmeister has only suffered with two of these three symptoms.

In order to prevent further deterioration, the medical team at his professional team, SudoCreme4SagaSprinters, have appointed a new doctor. Dr.Ken Acort has recently been hired to bring the malady under control.

Under normal circumstances, The Wattmeister trains and races under a strict “needles only” policy. However, one of his favourite sayings is, “..only dead fish swim the with current…”. so, as more and more athletes across all sports have their ‘special’ methods revealed, Dr. Ken recommends that his preventative medicine should be taken via suppository which can be administered by anyone.

Therefore, on behalf of the team, we are pleased to announce that despite some side effects, (The Wattmeister has lost weight, gained muscle and seems to recover quicker than ever before from intense physical efforts), Dr. Ken Acort’s remedy has met with a measure of success.

He still spends an inordinate amount of time in front of the mirror, but is no longer delusional, (well, only mildly).

However, the wait for a  brown package intensifies with each passing day.

 

 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged | Leave a comment